Hormones

Day 1. While I mull over how I might have put on half a stone and ricked my back, someone attempts to extract my wisdom teeth using a vaginal approach but no anaesthetic. I worry I’m dying but it turns out I’ve just got my period. I hate everybody.

Day 2-5. I smell like an abattoir. Not just any abattoir but a really bad one that would probably fail an Environmental Health check. To try and distract myself from all the pants-related pain I sweat more, cry more, eat more and get hairier. Now is the perfect time to have lots of sexy feelings but unfortunately I am repellant to all humans. I hate everybody.

Day 5-13. Recovery. I begin to trust, love and live again. Reluctantly at first, I re-engage with society, beauty products and fitness facilities. It’s a slow process but I start to believe that not everybody in the world is a complete twat. I am cautiously optimistic about the future.

Day 14. Hi everyone! You won’t believe this but today I am BEAUTIFUL. Maybe even too beautiful, should one person have this many blessings? I’ve finally grown into my looks, and this is it guys, my thirties are going to be MY decade! All my clothes look amazing, I keep stumbling into perfectly-lit rooms and everyone fancies me. This is the best my hair has ever looked. I can’t wait to get on with the rest of my beautiful, amazing life!

Day 15. Inexplicably, I wake up looking like Ludo from Labyrinth. I hate everybody.

Day 16. Eating.

Day 17. Crying.

Day 18. Shouting.

Day 19. Fighting.

Day 20-28. It’s time for a serious assessment of many things. I don’t like to overreact but my otherwise happy marriage is on the rocks due to some wet towels on the bed and we need to have A Proper Discussion About Our Future. My husband mildly mentions that it is almost exactly a month since our last Proper Discussion. Trying to respond rationally, I pack a bag for the airport because everyone in my life is better off without me. The half stone I’ve lost over the past few weeks has crept back on and my hair looks dreadful. I am terribly hungry and I want to sleep with everybody, not in a good way but until they are dead. I absolutely cannot fathom why I feel like this. I hate everybody.

• hormones